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[08 Feb 2005|08:24pm] |
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I am going to start making private posts here.
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[30 Sep 2003|10:00pm] |
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new journal: heartjuice. no more posts here. :/
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[25 Sep 2003|03:30pm] |
I'm lonely. I really am. not in a suicidal, oh, I'm so lonely! way.. just sort of.. well, I was thinking about this internet social life I used to have, and all these fabulous friends I used to have, and how I'd stay up all night having these darling typewritten conversations with them. I have people I love and people I idolize on the internet now, but I don't have a close relationship like that with anyone anymore. I miss it! in the silly sort of way that someone who's gotten her life off the internet shouldn't. maybe I'm wrong to? I dunno though. I had a really good time.
I'm working on setting up a new lj. when I get time.. it'll be done.
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[18 Sep 2003|03:10pm] |
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everything I thought I knew was a lie. I have been buying underwear that is a size too big. woe!
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[15 Sep 2003|09:44pm] |
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at school and with computer. not yet returned to the mode where I type things though... that'll come over a little while. i'm dense and horrible and headachey.
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[10 Sep 2003|05:12pm] |
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i'm in a computer lab right now.. let me just say that this may be the slowest computer i've ever been on. le sigh. i won't have my laptop until monday, it turns out, so i'll be pretty computerless until then. pretty busy, too. but i love everyone and i miss having a computer. grar!
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[06 Sep 2003|03:09am] |
flowerpictures: uno dos tres
ahem. this is like... one of those "photo blogs" now. how artistic I am. kind of ironic seeing as! I am going back to "art school" tomorrow. as such, I probably will not be around for at least a few days, perhaps more. don't know when I'll have a computer, you see, and final fantasy tactics advance is coming out.. hoo hoo hoo!
sorry.
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[03 Sep 2003|02:28am] |
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the doves - words |
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one of the most marvellous things i can think of is getting one's hair cut after having longish hair for a rather long time, and then getting into the shower and washing one's hair and realizing that there is not so very much hair to wash anymore. washing short hair is so nice. it also means that I lose less hair in the shower and therefore my hair is thicker and nicer.
I have always been a fan of short hair. it is my personal tragedy that I've never been able to pull it off very well.
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[29 Aug 2003|02:51am] |
i'm feeling annoying, so here's another:
last book you read: midnight in the garden of good and evil.. i think.
last movie you saw: spaceballs, about four hours ago, w/ seth. <3
last movie you saw on the big screen: dirty pretty things.. it was the slightest bit creepy.
last phone number you called: seth's cell.
last show you watched on TV: i can't remember the last time i watched tv.
last song you heard: belle&sebastian's there's too much love.. i like.
last thing you had to drink: apple juice, i think.
last thing you ate: green tea ice-cream. :D
last time you showered: about two hours ago.
last time you cried: sunday night, I think.. that was four days ago?
last time you smiled: just now.
last time you laughed: not positive.. i think i was laughing to myself a little while ago. in a silly way.
last person you hugged: seth.
last person you kissed: seth. :/
last thing you said: probably "bye." on the phone.
last person you talked to online: seth. i am so repetitive!!
last person you talked to on the phone: seth. hm.
last thing you smelled: clean sheets. just changed them. <3
Do you...
smoke? not unless i'm set on fire.
do drugs? not unless you mean.. benadryl.
drink? just water and juice.
have sex? not on a regular basis, if that's what you mean.
sleep with stuffed animals? nope. never really had emotional attachment to one.
have a crush? on my dog!! shh.. don't tell. :O
have a boyfriend/girlfriend? in a sense, yes.
have a dream that keeps coming back? no, but sometimes i have dreams in the same setting or vein or something.
play an instrument? yes, but not really well.
believe there is life on other planets? i don't like to think about it.
read the newspaper? if i have nothing better to do.
have any gay or lesbian friends? i don't think so, but you never can tell.
believe in miracles? nope, not really.
believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? faithful to.. what? in certain cases, yeah, sure. i could.
consider yourself tolerant of others? not to a very great extent, unfortunately.
consider police a friend or foe? i don't think about them that often. probably a neutral party.
like the taste of alcohol? not really, not any more than anything else.
believe in astrology? nope.
believe in magic? no.
pray? no.
go to church? no.
have any secrets? not any major ones.
have any pets? a dog, who is not-so-secretly god in disguise.
go to or plan to go to college? currently attending.
have a degree? not yet.
talk to strangers who instant message you? until they prove themselves boring, sure. doesn't really happen though.
wear hats? sometimes! i like hats!
have any piercings? a few, nice ear ones.
have any tattoos? no.
hate yourself? at random intervals.
wish on stars? no.
like your handwriting? i am prouder of my handwriting than i ought to be.
have any bad habits? a lot, probably. like talking too loudly and crying at inappropriate times and making people hate me.
believe in witches? not real ones.
believe in Satan? no.
believe in ghosts? no!
believe in Santa? no.
believe in the Easter Bunny? no.
believe in the Tooth Fairy? if you mean my dad, yeah.
have a second family? not really.
trust others easily? not in the least. people are mainly dishonest and stupid.
like sarcasm? not as a rule or anything.
take walks in the rain? i used to. not really anymore, though now that you mention it i'd like to.
kiss with your eyes closed? not as much as i should. :|
sing in the shower? no, i only sing alone in the car.
(thinking of getting a new lj; trying to think of a catchy name)
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[25 Aug 2003|10:06pm] |
Becki was here today! Becki Becki I missed you Becki and I will call you sometime? Before you leave for school I mean. maybe I will even see you but you are probably busy I don't know.
that was really the only point of this whole post. I beat the original Metroid the other day though so I am proud and happy and now off to play Prime again.
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[18 Aug 2003|02:28am] |
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Someday I will figure out how to make enough time in my life to do all the things I want to do. Until then, posting will remain sporadic, as this is no longer a priority.
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[11 Aug 2003|11:54pm] |
Tomorrow is another trip to NYC, this time with the whole family. Funfunfun. I think. Either that or it will be miserable, but I am bringing my gameboy so hurrah. I beat Zelda the other day, and that was nice. I think I am going to get Advance Wars 2 soon.
Kat, thank you for the nice comment before. :| I really miss speaking to you, you know. It's weird how things end up.
It's weird how I am, and I find myself endlessly apologizing for being such a crazy nut and writing all this depressed angsty nonsense. I can't help it, but I have a feeling I might make a private journal somewhere and just save all this stuff for that, instead of clogging up people's friends pages with it. blarh.
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[07 Aug 2003|11:55pm] |
I was thinking today, while I was stuck in traffic: there are two kinds of people, I think: happy people and unhappy people. and I have come to the conclusion that I will never, ever be happy, really. I am a spoilt brat. things always go my way. I have so many reasons to be happy. but I always pick out the reasons ( oftentimes they aren't even reasons ) to be sad. I go through these periods of time when I'm just so depressed I cry and mentally yell at myself to stop crying because I'm ugly and my nose runs when I cry, and that just makes me cry more. vicious cycle. sometimes lasts less than an hour, sometimes lasts days. I'm deliberately hurtful to anyone who tries to be nice to me. I HATE them. I hate people so passionately when I'm depressed, people I normally love. I want to destroy things. and everything good that has ever happened to me in my life, anything good that is currently happening - it means nothing because ultimately, everything sucks.
I'm not okay with this. I ( despite appearances to the contrary, I'm sure ) am not one of those people who is proud to be miserable.. not one of those people who writes angsty poetry and goes goth and is all like, "look at me, I have a dark side." I want more than anything to be cheery and sunny and friendly and sociable. but I am depressed and lonely and afraid of death. and I will never, ever, be happy. not really.
sometimes I wish I would spontaneously combust.
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[05 Aug 2003|01:21am] |
Let me think. I went to NYC yesterday ( or maybe it was the day before ). Sometimes I think I should worry more about making my life great and important and becoming somebody I can admire - but really, I don't have enough motivation to care that much. It's a shame. What I mean is... sometimes I read things, or see things, and think, "if I put more effort into life, I could do that. and I could impress people." I don't. I'm lazy. Ultimately, that is probably my worst character trait; ultimately that is what people hate me for, I think. Not that very many people hate me, but I don't know very many people, either.
I don't know how this degenerated so quickly into that sort of a rant... I intended it to be a rather nice, streamlined summary of my week. Then again, my week was boring, and I'm ugly.
I cleaned my room a little bit today and my feet are very cold and Cosmo has to go to the vet tomorrow. He was not feeling so well tonight, I think. Sad puppy. Cute puppy.
I need a hobby.
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[31 Jul 2003|10:41pm] |
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I had all these things planned that I wanted to do on my computer tonight.. but I can feel myself getting depressed and if I sit here just staring at the computer then I'm going to start crying and being miserable and probably write something pathetic about how my life sucks and nobody loves me. So I have to go off and do something else, like clean my room. I HATE BEING PRACTICAL. I want to scream.
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[30 Jul 2003|01:13am] |
I don't really have anything to say, but I haven't made an entry here in awhile, so... hi. I've been doing a bit of work.. putting up lawn signs with Seth for $6.50 an hour. We got lazy and only worked two hours today, but I want to turn a profit so... hopefully my work ethic will kick in soon.
My mother is trying to get me to apply for a job at a liquor store, but I think she ruined the opportunity for me before it even arose. She goes to the store ( without me ), and starts talking to the people about how I need a job so badly and what can they do about it? I get the feeling she was harassing them, so they were just like, "the manager will be here on Monday, talk to him about it." so my mother comes home and tells me, "you have a job interview on Monday!" I am not kidding. She is that much of a bitch. She belongs in a padded room. So anyway, I went in there on Monday and of course the guy was not happy to see me, being as my mother was harassing his staff and all. So he gave me some line about how he's not happy that I'd only be able to work there for a month, and told me I could fill out a job application if I wanted to. So I took one, but do I really want to go back there and hand it in? I think I'll lie to my mom and tell her I did, but honestly.. ugh.
That was way too long and useless a story. I apologize.
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[26 Jul 2003|12:35am] |
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belle and sebastian - there's too much love |
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Phew. Sorry about that last post - I think it was due less to my wisdom teeth situation than to a girlish mood swing. Terrible, that. Actually, the whole teeth thing isn't going so badly, I'm pretty much back to normal at this point except for the fact that eating anything but mush proves to be.. difficult. Today's boast consists of the fact that I got down some grilled cheese, salad, and pad thai. And despite the fact that I've been prophesizing the arrival of my dry sockets since day one, I'm not in much pain at all.
Other than that nonsense, not much going on. Tomorrow I have a few things I want to do, and.. yeah. Hm. I don't know, I guess I'm pretty sleepy and I have less to say than I thought I did. Goodnight!
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[23 Jul 2003|10:05pm] |
Ugh. I want to be able to EAT. Real food. I have not progressed to that stage yet, apparently - I'm still having trouble with noodle soup and jello. The bottom half of my face is twice as big as it should be. I know I'm a whiner, but how many times in my life will I get to complain about having my teeth out like this?
My biggest problem is I feel so useless and disgusting. I'm a burden to everyone. The only thing I can do properly at this stage is sleep and watch movies - I am so sick of movies. I'm so bored of everything. I want to be a functional human being again. ( that's assuming I EVER was a functional human being, which I'm beginning to doubt more and more ) I don't even want to see anyone anymore because I'm embarrassed about myself. Which is probably a good thing because no one really wants to see me.
I should probably just go and die. I haven't felt so suicidal ( not that I'm really suicidal, at all ) in a long time.
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[21 Jul 2003|01:47am] |
I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow ( really today, I suppose ) at 11:10. I am afraid for my life, so if I don't come back to the internet - know that I died having my wisdom teeth removed. Even if I don't die, I might not be around for a bit.. I'm not sure whether or not I'll feel like looking at this screen.
Though I did buy a new keyboard for $5 yesterday. And it is lovely. And it is black and types nice. And I doubt I'll be able to stay away from it for very long.
I should probably sleep.
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